My walk with God has sprints of epic growth, and slowed down goodness, growth. I'm real with Him. There was this time several years ago I met with a Christian counselor...and spilled the realness of my heart. The individual sat there surprised. Surprised that I had gotten that real. Surprised I had shared so much realness, first time meeting. True story. I was desperate to change. I was tired of struggling with stuff and needed to see Jesus. I removed the gobbly gook of pretentiousness and spilled Carla. (My prayer is that this blog is that real as you read. Let your hair down, unbutton your pants, and enter the world of realness...) I needed clarity. I needed Him. Running to Jesus asking this counselor to please run alongside me.
And then there are those times I don't care to run to God. It's much easier to wake up, live the day on my own. Ignore the quiet tugging on my heart to pray, refuse to start my day with Him, or refuse to be the spoken Word to my children. It's counter intuitive to wake up day after day jumping out of bed praising God. I've learned through the years it requires discipline, and then God rewards those times with more of Himself. So I *try* to push myself early in the day, and late at night, because I know the reward that awaits me is more of Him. As much as I know about God, I'll take it. He's that good.
I've always said I love to run, but I'm not that fast or good at it. When the girls were much littler, I would have these playlists of hard core rap that I would take mommy breaks and run to. I didn't even always buy the clean version. (Ooh.) I like the intensity, the beat, the way my insides shake when I hear it. You can't run to James Taylor and feel the burn. (Or maybe you can and you actually run faster than me and then maybe we need to talk.) Then one day I looked around my Suburbia neighborhood and realized I wasn't tracking with "poppin forties" and I just decided to switch things up. (I mean, I'm a product of the public school and have that Dirty D in me but...:)
Those few mornings a week, I loved to run, listen to my music and I pushed myself. It hurt. But it hurt so stinkin good. I found I really like to push myself. The process is painful, but it feels so good afterwards. I ate better, weight came off, which meant more freedom for me. Amazing what losing a few pounds will do. It makes you stronger. Which means a holistic change. It was a good model for my kids, who actually love running too. (They played soccer for a short stint. One morning I fed them bacon before a game and as they left I realized what I had done. I prayed, "dear Lord. May you protect them from a pack of dogs chasing them on the field. Because they smell delicious and what guilt I would feel...". )
Then I found Crossfit. That's a different beast of hurt. I found myself ripping my hands up from pull ups proud. Sitting down with my husband at night filing our callouses on our hands is down right romantic. I find myself craving a hard workout. Needing to throw some weight around. The running is hard, intense, just what I need. Running is usually mixed up with some Olympic lifts mixed up with stuff I never thought I'd do. Crazy reps. Different WOD every day. I love it.
My newest adventure is Chi Running. I have a dear friend that is a holistic health coach getting certified in Chi Running. Today she and I went to a day long workshop on relearning to run. Learning to run the way kids do. The way we used to run. Working with, not against, gravity to propel you forward. Moving your energy up and forward is the focus. Fixing your eyes on an object in the future, with an imaginary bungee cord tied to it. Running towards it, finding another object to bungee yourself to, running towards it. It takes time to unlearn my adult version of running. Learning to relax while I run is an entirely different way than I am used to running. No music, just a metronome to help me feel the cadence. My rhythm. As you practice this, things fall into line. I will have to practice this daily. I can already see that it will take time to put all the pieces together. But I watch my friend run who has been learning. She runs like a gazelle. True beauty in motion. (I don't have it all together just yet, but when I do, I might have to blog about it!)
The beauty of living with Christ isn't always having it together, but coming to the One who does have it together. It's a constant renewal of your mind, a transcendence with the Most High. Its fresh winds of grace, love, peace, hope available through the Holy Spirit. He uses our weaknesses and makes us strong. We are overtaken by his rhythm, cadence, and steps are made with less effort when we are in tune with his song. He has been telling me to stop trying so hard. To let his rhythm and strength take care of me. I need Chi Running to remind me of this. And I love the connection. I love that my Maker is so in tune with my life, with me, and so loving and willing to teach me so creatively.
Sometimes when I start to run, thinking, dreaming, planning, I hear a whisper. Carla, you were made for this. You were made to run. Running with my face towards the Son, with the shadows behind me.
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