The Epicenter

I've been on a blog famine the last week or so.  I actually posted one last night, through my tears reconsidered, and deleted it.  Mostly because I love telling stories, but I was writing a story that wasn't mine to tell.  It went too deep for me and someone else.  I hit delete.  I liked the entry as a personal journal and by accident I deleted it off my journal too but it moved me to a place I needed to be.  I'm thankful for my Great Counselor who writes periods of healing in my story.

Second reason- my girls have been going to bed entirely too late.  Just today I was told, "I don't like it when you work, mommy."  I am working on a writing class online and well, I am not as available to them in certain times of the day.  So Barbie sing-a-long is on the DVD unashamedly and I am blogging.  Girls, go to bed earlier like I ask or watch me work.  Said with love and a smile.  That's your choice:) Tonight they are getting rewarded for staying in bed.  Changing up my method for this madness.

Here's a true story of a friend's cousin's uncle's son.  Sit back and relax.

Once upon a time there was a boy whose parents took him to church every week.  He liked the church fine and enjoyed learning.  He knew God personally.  But when he got to be a teenager, it seems this particular church was more geared towards the kids that easily earned a gold star.  Maybe they were the cheerleaders, football stars, popular crowd.  Well, this boy was incredibly gifted, but not so much in the crowds of with those particular skills.  He came every now and then, but usually had an arrow or two thrown his way, so he stopped coming.  Church hurt, it didn't help.  He stayed away from church for a long long time.  Filled with cliques.  One which he was not a part of.

In this church appearances mattered.  What you looked like on the outside was key.  It was an environment where fear of man prevailed, and those on the inside were just as scared as those on the outside.  Crazy scared they would do something to fall out of good graces with the popular crowd.  That boy grew into a man and now he gets it and his faith is more authentic because of his experiences.  But back then the whole situation seemed so daunting.  So hurtful.

I felt this same way just last week.  As an adult, in a wonderful group of women, most of who I don't know personally, but I got a back turned on me.  I was talking to another lady, when I suppose she was done with our conversation, turned her back towards me, and started talking in a lower voice to her other security blanket friend.  Security blanket friend also was not interested in talking to me later.  Awesome.

Now, I could have smelled bad but most likely these are grown up teenagers similar to the above story. I readily admit I get off socially every now and then.  Sure.  I have lots of words coming from my mouth sometimes and God is still working on me.  Also, watching your children play is a full on sport at times.  Unfinished conversations prevail and you end up with half a recipe or without the end of a great story.  Moms give grace with social things.  I think it was maybe this lady's hair flip in my direction when I saw her the next day without a smile or hello.  And then another time that week.

But guess what...no one has it together.  Now maybe the above ladies believe they are truly living their authentic selves.  All polished up putting on a show.  That's fine.  But God knows differently.

And I suppose that last week was filled with different ups and downs for me, and I am just coming to terms with some it of.  Still processing through the rest of it.  With all that said I ended the week with a message from church this morning...

Jesus is my Epicenter.  

And while I used to people please everyone, Jesus has taught me differently.  I just don't Jesus care anymore.  It wasn't a magical process getting here, it was letting go to freely live.  Not looking around in comparison, but freely being me.  And sure, there are still people who just don't get me.  There are also times I fail in this whole department.  (Um, I fail in all departments...) But the Only One who gets me is the Only One that matters.

This morning we sang
I know Who stands before me
I know Who stands behind.  
The God of angel armies 
is always by my side.  

Wherever I go, He is there.  He has gone before me, He is standing guard behind me guarding me against condemnation.  His armor catches those flying arrows.  He is already there in my future.  He sees the day I get to actually see Him face to face.  What a glorious day.