Just Another Bump In the Road

I guess we travel this path and we hope and believe.  We go to church and we attend Bible studies that remind us that God is in everything.  He is the Author.  But sometimes you doubt that.  We know He is good, but not always safe.  And this idea of having dreams you don’t know will be fulfilled or not is sort of a precarious thing in itself.  So maybe you hold those dreams loosely trying to imagine that they’re not really that important, or white-fisted tight, and wait for the proverbial shoe to drop.   Either way this is a tough spot to be in. 

Maybe you’ve prayed a dozen times for God to take away your desire for something.  Maybe that thing isn’t ‘bad’ in itself, but maybe it will never happen.  Or let’s be hopeful here, maybe it’s just not the right timing.  And you hope that is the case.  Because you really, really want this thing to happen.  And so you start to ponder and ‘think like God’…

Lord, I don’t have a spouse because I’m not ready.  Or he’s not ready.  Or we’re not ready.  (As if marriage is some sort of mark on a person's readiness- we all marry the 'wrong person' because we are hopelessly flawed...)

Or, Lord, let me just change my attitude about my job.  Maybe it isn’t really all that bad.  Perhaps it’s just me.  Or maybe my attitude is holding me back from that great job.  Maybe with a little attitude change God will allow that new one to come along. 

Lord, my loved one is in heaven because maybe you needed another angel, or their presence, with you and to fulfill your heaven duties.  There were absolutely amazing after all.

Lord, maybe this thing isn't happening because of my diet.  Or some unconfessed sin I have that is holding me back.  Perhaps it’s both.  Let me be super ‘spiritual’ and see what happens.  Surely I’m not pleasing you in so many ways.  I fall so short.  Let me put on my super mom powers, although I’m not sure what that looks like, and do this thing. 

Let me prove to you how great of a mom I can be.  So that when you are up in heaven looking down at me, You'll say, that one, Carla, she’s deserving.  Did you see how she made that awesome pumpkin bread?  And, she pulled off her daughter’s birthday so well.  She’s feeding her kids unrefined flours, no sugars added, etc.  She lets them slip enough, because well, she knows they need to be kids sometimes.  Good job, daughter of mine.  Way to perform.  Way to go.  It’s just a matter of time for that one.  Let me keep her in this place of holding so that she can just see me more.  Realize who I really am…she takes me for granted most of the time anyway.  

All of this could be very possible.  If God thought like we thought.  But he doesn’t.  And the only way to know his thoughts is to stay in the Word.  Staying close to him.  Letting him talk to you.  Letting him talk through you.  Processing, as difficult as that can be at times, and letting him heal you. 

I can type all of the above, bolded, like a rock star.  I can know what to do in times of trouble.  But that doesn’t matter if I’m not doing it. 

In my life seasons, my spiritual tank has different “miles per gallon”, so to speak.  There are times when I feel very filled with the Spirit.  I have more energy.  I am accomplishing more and more successful and things are just falling into place.  Then there are those seasons where I just feel empty.  Weak.  Walking through molasses.  Change is slow and time seems to go even slower. 

It may seem like I need ‘more Jesus’ in the latter situation, because of my weakness, but I honestly need Him all the time. 

He puts us in these places to depend on Him.  The good and the bad, the energetic ‘good mom’ days where I’m prone to self-righteous rants and the terrible ‘what am I doing’ days where I’m prone to pity myself and eat a whole bag of chips.  Problematic, tragic, things sometimes happen when we think we have pleased him, and then there are situations where he bestows grace on us in times of rottenness. 

And while I do believe he honors our obedience and love in his timing, this side of heaven or later, there is no cleaning up my act to have things go a certain way for me.  I do not plan my destiny.  In fact, since the fall of man, there is only One Man that completely did things perfectly.  He died on our behalf.  He took the penalty for sin and imperfection.  He makes me righteous before God.  He paid my debt and I am free.  I don’t have to perform. 

My response to His gift is this: 

Receiving Jesus- Daily, hourly, by the minute.  Open myself up to His leading, His working. 

Praying for my desire for Him- I’ve found praying for him to change situations is definitely heard in heaven.  He loves our conversations.  He may or may not change my problems.  He always hears my cries for more of Him.  He always answers my futile attempts at getting close to Him- by wrapping me up in Him.  I sense this very childlike…I inch a little closer to him, and bam, he grabs me like a big bear hug and wait, it’s too late, I’ve prayed it and even though I’m not sure where it will take me we’re here.  He’s holding tight.  I’m hoping for more of Him.  He’s strong, He’s good, and we’re doing this thing, even when I rebel. And sometimes I try and kick and tug away from Him but His love wraps me up.  I realize His goodness, and the peace ensues.  Slowly, sometimes painfully, I've learned to stop fighting.  Because He is good and in Him is fullness of joy.    

I realize I stand before an audience of One.  I’m out of tricks.  Or at least the ones that I think will get me somewhere in heaven.  He sees me like I see my little girls- He is pleased with me loving Him, confessing sin, and most importantly, enjoying Him.  He sees me through the lens of Jesus.  The man He sent just for this purpose. 

He has my days planned.  He knows the struggle, the tough times.  He planned pit stops along the way to refuel.  There are sad, desperate times in my future.  I cannot deny or live my life otherwise.  My hope is I’m desperate for Him in those desperate times.  I foresee times of rejoicing, too.  He has His party hat on and one sitting next to Him, ready for me, just beyond the horizon. 

This is a ride.  It’s not safe.  But it’s good.  My soul is secure and that’s what I’ll take to heaven.