2014- Still Singing

Every year I made New Year's resolutions and try my very best to carry them out.  (Every birthday I write my eulogy, too- that happens mid-year and keeps me on track.  Sounds morbid but I often live with an end in mind and in an odd way I think this helps me.)

Last year it was "to live out loud."  So I started a blog.  I didn't start this blog to glorify myself, or have any motive in this writing other than it makes me so happy to write.  I love to connect to you when you read it.  There are a lot of readers all over the world.  I hope you feel encouraged.  I hope you feel the love God has for you.  I hope you feel uplifted. What you are reading is just an outflow of my heart, my imperfect messed up heart life flowing out of me, in the most honest and organic way I know how to write.

At the beginning of 2013, I was tired of hearing the Lord whisper in my ear, "Carla, live out loud."  I wasn't even sure at the time what he meant, so I'd answer, "OK whatever that means."  One night in March while my husband was at work, I started this blog, right after I did the dishes, of course.  It isn't much- just my ramblings, Seinfeld-life kind of stories.  It's not even fluffed up and pretty- just an open forum for me to write.  I don't climb mountains or even go camping and my cool mud run days are behind me.  (or at least I think...) But that doesn't matter; It doesn't matter how insignificant seeming your life is, as long as it makes you sing, it's important.  It's what God created you to do- glorify and enjoy Him.  

My heart sings when I blog.  I never know where my words go but sometimes I hear they speak to people.  My heart sings when I teach my children and they learn and lightbulbs go off and they make progress and sometimes I see God at work in their hearts and it's not from me.  My heart sings when I give money where I'm called to and gifts I've been given.  My heart sings when I work out and make steps to be healthy and alive in my humble garage gym and learning how to cook.  My heart sings an internal beat no one has access to seeing but my sweet Lord when I praise him.  My heart sings to connect to my Maker, to my life, to my world.  

There is something holding me back that is keeping me from fully singing.  I'm a big fan of confronting my "issues".  It hurts, but the pain draws me to a place of more intimacy, more vision of God, and for that, I will take it.  2014 is a year of letting go.

Now, I'm not sure if you approach your problems like I do, but I'm not mad at the 2013 Carla.  I think she did as good as she could with this undescribed situation I am carefully trying to describe.  I made mistakes with it, sure I did.  Did God know I would make mistakes?  He knew it while Jesus was on the cross.  With time, with prayers, I'm letting go, I'm learning and I'm trusting, and I'm falling in the shadow of the cross, knowing I'm taken care of.

I think letting go takes time and comes in phases.  2014 is a time to let go and live in a new way.

The year's budget is planned already.  I can tell you where our money is going to go January to December.  I'm in the process of planning our garage gym wods- at least the first 3 month sequence- without my husband seeing because I like to make him hurt and he won't come out to play if he knew what we are going to do.  (I type that but he's a beast- a real beast and takes everything thrown his way.)  I've penciled in adventures, plans, life to be lived in light of God's good grace.

I have a plan in place so we can be spontaneous. The biggest one is letting go of my plans and letting God fill my need of Him.  It won't be easy and I'm not sure where he will take me, but I'm stepping out, best foot forward. (which ironically is my left foot as my right one is acting up on me:)

So, this is what I've decided.  I'm approaching this plan kind of like I do with my giant roasting pan.
I love that thing.  I purchased it for $5 one year and use it weekly.  I love roasting veggies, I make
homemade french fries, I use it monthly to roast my two chickens to make meals and broth.  Large
enough for two birds, deep enough to not worry about splattering, nice big handles for heavy things,
you get the picture.  (I have a thing for kitchen products.)

Let me tell you what I did one day with that roaster.  I took it out of the oven.  I placed it on the stove
top.  I put my potholders down, got sidetracked, and I picked up the blistering hot roasting pan by
those amazing handles, and I burned the mess out of my hands.

I recovered without a trip to the urgent care, but I will never make that mistake again.  I have my
extra thick stained potholders on my hands when I roast.  I won't be grabbing those hot handles
barehanded for a long time, I hope.

The same with my heart.  I have these situations that happen, maybe you do too, that cause
unnecessary pain, distractions, heart clutter.  Clutters my thinking about the good things.  Clutters my heart's pathway to God.  Make me feel kind of yucky.  Some areas this is sin that needs confessing,
other areas it comes almost like an attack out of no where, in some areas it's a result of this fallen
world we temporally call home.  Some are wrapped up in relationships- I'm a loyal lover until the end but repetitive toxic relationships need considering in life.

If you know the pot burns you, don't grab those handles.  

I'm evaluating my plans.  I'm evaluating where I'd like God to work, well, maybe where he needs to work on me.  I'm making plans for Him to move.  I'm making plans to be closer to Him in 2014- beating down pathways to make them more open.  Avoiding situations, thoughts that clutter, staying vigilant to the end goal, and accepting the better path- the one that leads to Him.