Ta Da!

Last week I took my youngest to watch her friend at a ballet performance. At first the little girls danced, all finished their part with a big "ta da!" It was cute. They were off beat but we all didn't care, right? As a previous dancer, I don't know when it happens, but at some point being off beat is not cute anymore. It becomes awkward. Dance experience and needing to know the foundational moves are important.

So when the older teenage girls got on stage and performed their pieces from Swan Lake and the music malfunctioned, we all felt bad. They started all linking arms, standing in position, ready. They barely heard the starting music- equipment malfunction- but they kept going. Their point shoes all tapping in synchronization like a group of graceful performance horses. You could see they were struggling. It wasn't easy. But we were impressed. And they kept up until the music was fixed and restarted. The second go round looked as great as before though.

Their secret? They were counting in their heads and on certain beats they knew to move. Their teacher was a great one- she instructed them to not use the music for cues, but to internalize and count. And listen to each other. To keep up the rhythm inside of them.

And today on the way to church I had a faith teaching with my littlest. Last Christmas day she prayed for God to enter her heart, to live inside of her. (But made very clear that he not hurt when he went in.) So she's curious. Where is he? He must be small, right? I want to HEAR him! I want him to come out and just hold him in my little hand, and I want to talk to him. I want to play with him.

I told her he can't come out. (My oldest pointed out that he really can come out when we get to heaven, and see him face to face. The theology of all of this is fuzzy to me, so I just let it go.) But she can hear him. But we have to slow down because he never yells. He doesn't push forcefully, but is a quiet, gentle, strength, the source of all love ever existed.

So since he's quiet, we must quiet ourselves. He speaks through the Bible- direct words from him. He speaks through people, although that one is tricky sometimes because people can say tricky things in the name of Jesus sometimes. But he will tell us if what people are saying don't match with what he says, and we need to always ask him if that's what he wants for us. And nature reflects his beauty, cycles, intricate details.

And so what happens when the music gets quieter, and your internal rhythm is the only thing to fall back on? What about when God is silent, or when he says no? We know God doesn't answer all our prayers the way we want him to. I've heard it said that sometimes a "no" answer from God is him giving us what we would have asked for if we knew what he knew.

And viewing my relationship with him like a genie in a bottle doesn't match up with his character, love, presence, grace. He is not a vending machine. He wants a relationship. And we need a loving father because we are sinners. We have separation from him. He covers us in his righteousness when we come to this realization and ask him to humbly enter in.

And sometimes he deepens our relationship by resisting us in prayer. He goes into stealth mode ordaining struggle as a part of this process. He quiets his great powers because he knows at the other end we come out more humbled, more realizing of his great love.

So coming to the cross gives us spectacles of faith. To see the horses and chariots of angels we constantly have encamped around us. To see the depth and the height and the width of his great love. (Can I repeat...) He is constantly encamped around those who are in him. Those who love him. (Now that gives me courage.)

In the past I've wanted to "capture" God. Capture his love, beauty, but let's not get into that crazy Bible banging because those folks are weird. Over the top. But we only find the freedom when we are captured by God. If we knew we were blind we would seek him for sight.

It boils down to his LOVE. My pastor said the goal of every one of his sermons was for people to leave in awe of what God has done for us. And that only God can remove faith blinders. He said a taste, just a taste, of God's love will be more than a thousand Hebrew words you can memorize. Theology is amazing but it reflects a God who we stand in awe of.  And while I love learning, I'll just take more Jesus, less puff-me-up-I-know-all-about-escatatology please.  (And thank you God our church reflects this and is faith in practice.)

Today we took communion as a church. Reminded we are covered with righteousness. He washes away performance, pressure, lofty knowledge, and any other thing we believe we need to stand before him or false crutches to lean on. He just wants us. True love. Lasting love. I-can't-even-believe-it-as-I-type-it love. My "ta da's!" saved for him alone.  And when the music fades and I'm listening to my rhythm in him, I know he's working all things towards my good.