Dear Doctor Oz

Dear Doctor Oz,

I'll just jump into this aggressively.  I love the heck out of you.  Like any TV relationship, I don't always agree with you, but you are amazing to my standards.  And with little TV time, I set the bar high.  You have women squealing and swooning.  It is what it is.  I would *say* I did those things but you are old enough to be my dad and I'm happily married to the best man ever.  Can we just say we're special friends?

Ok then, my friend, I am on Day 3 of your three day detox.  It has been quite the adventure.  I wasn't sure if I was a detox kinda girl.  But you assured me that we all need a little detoxing.  And I believed you.

So I started this adventure, texting my husband at work asking for the blessing of his presence in this thing, so to speak, and testing the theory that he *might* not read all of my correspondences during the day all that closely.  And sure enough, my theory was correct because he shot me a quick "ok" message back.  So immediately I swooped up my four year old and we ventured to the local Super Target for what seemed like crazy people food.  (WHO consumes 6! cucumbers in three days?  Apparently us, weirdos...)  The cost was manageable, and yes, I got strange looks from the checkout girl.  No biggie, we were on a mission.

I suppose I should tell you why I didn't finish the detox.  Day one, day one was amazing.  I lost 2 pounds automatically, which you said was water, and I'm cool with that.  Inflammation down the toilet, baby.  I felt more energetic.  Lighter.  I ballroom danced light to my feet throughout the day.  I Mary Poppin's-ed the kids clean up.  It was magical.

Day 2 things started unraveling, to put nicely. I'll start with my husband.  (And I may need to remove this if he doesn't feel like, well, sharing his detox journey.)  My husband is my rock.  He is clear-headed, even the nights he thinks he can stay up past our old people bedtime.  (Don't worry, I'm on it.  What started out as newlyweds as "honey, please go to bed on time.  You are important."  has changed to, "honey, you are keeping me up.  You're going to make me look OLD when we're old feeling young.  Actually, even if I stay looking young, your poor sleep will make you look OLD which will make me your OLD wife."  I think my methods are getting kinder.  Gentler.  Perhaps less vain, more compassionate.  Don't you think?)

But Dr. Oz, he lost his cool day 2.  Now I'm not saying that I was elated on the outside, but my heart smiled.  Because I am usually the one making a fool out of myself being crazy, and well, he didn't have it together.  I think the best part from his day was when he just got super confused with people, looked confused, and had a hard time tracking in conversation.  Or maybe when he went with our Bible Study to Chick-fil-A and forgot everyones names but one person who was lucky.  (And so proud of him he turned down the chicken sandwich and ate grilled chicken.  Actually forget I typed that as that's not on the plan.  Ok, well, I ate sandwich meat that day too. I do not throw him under the bus.  He is my sugar daddy.  I need him. We derailed together.)  His confusion continued today and his co-workers thought maybe he should just eat something.  His mom, as they talked today, asked if he was ok.  She does not know of this ridiculousness wonderful process and we'll just keep it that way for now.  Details from that conversation were sketchy and at best put back together with team work- both of us using our heads.  We still don't understand certain aspects, like if some parts he dreamed up or made up?  We just don't know.  We are confused.  Foggy.  We are holding off on important decisions until it lifts.  We play safe.  Which leads me to my original destination...

Day 2 was confusing for me, too.  Maybe it was because I had a few things on my plate and 6 children over for a playdate all at once, or homeschooled my usual routine and crammed too much into the day, or maybe it was because I was not consuming enough water.  Well, I walked around saying, "huh?" with a confused look on my face. All day long.  I did the detox bath every night faithfully and slept like a baby beside my baby sleeping husband.  (I only got him in the bath once though.  I know.  I talked to him about it.  He just isn't a bath man.  Is there such thing as a detox shower? Could you get back to me on that one?)

Day 3 was a bit disturbing though.  I felt sick.  I had a headache.  I was, ahem, irritable.  And then I decided to carry out my usual plans despite the detox effects because I am a steel magnolia.  I fight til the bitter end. Homeschooling done, smoothie lunch in my favorite cup out the door to meet my mom shopping.  I headed out in my husbands truck (country music optional but always welcomed) and started to feel dizzy.  Things were spinning.  I began to freak out.  I pulled over and did something, well, off plan.  I purchased french fries, consumed them, and a sweet tea.  (It's the south.  You may not understand this.) Did it rid me of my low blood sugar?  Nope.  Sadly, I was stuck.  I felt like I might have been drunk and could not drive.  I called for backup- my superman husband and he came and rescued me.  While I waited, I tried to grocery shop.  There is no use in wasting precious alone time.  I just needed a couple of things.  While walking sideways and almost into traffic I texted my husband that I was unable to walk, too.  Impaired from the dang smoothies.  I have never heard of such a thing.  He drove me home.  I slept for 2.5 hours.

And, well, let me tell you about dinner, which delighted my husband and children beyond words.  Bacon wrapped hot dogs.  (You read that right.)  Sweet potatoes, broccoli and pickles.  (Yes, pickles.)  It is Paleo friendly and fits my body.  Sometimes I just need to wrap my lips around a nice juicy steak, ya know?  Rip into a pack of beef jerky.  Bacon wrap whatever I can get my hands on. And grunt.  (In a southern lady way, of course...)  And guess what?  We are all happy and the confusion is lifting.  Hurrah for victory.  Paleo style.

I need more sodium.  I need to actually chew and enjoy my few Paleo friendly carbs.  My teeth need some action.  My body cannot handle you.  I mean I can't handle your detox.  (Awkward.)  So I happily am 3 pounds lighter, have eliminated grains and sugar from my diet the past three days and I'm running with it.  Dr. Oz (can I call you Mehmet? I've shared so much...), no sugar no flour of any kind for 6 months.  It's set before me.  I figure this will take us until Valentines Day.  Yes people think it's strange.  I'm actually a bit strange.  But I know, you, Mehmet Oz, are encouraging me through the TV.  I have your approval.  We are strange together.

You helped me get here.  Even though I failed to finish, I did it.  I hope to never consume that many liquids again for the rest of my life.  Actually the detox sucked.  But it was good.  Hurt so good.  Onto my next goal.  Mehmet, you are amazing.

Sincerely yours,
Carla