I'm Doing It

I'm cleaning the home school room.  So much to do, so little time.  They grow so fast.  I blink.  Another year goes by.  I'm putting away activities for my littlest- lessons taught and lessons learned.  I find favorite ones from when I taught other peoples' treasures.  I never got around to doing them with my own child.  Packing away for another child to teach?  I sure hope so.  Another time to sit with a little and instruct.  Lead.  Foster growth.  I'm so sad they grow.  I want the time to slow down.  I get one shot at this thing called parenting and my clock resets with each I'm sorry and each sunrise brings a new beginning.  Some moments I just want frozen in time.

But I'm doing it.  

I look around me the mess.  Physical mess of papers, books I will get to eventually cleaning. I know the sheets need washing upstairs.  I know there's dinner to fix.  I struggle to find the balance of looking into my daughters' eyes and the day-to-day duties.  I get discouraged.  Will their memories be of a mom constantly digging herself out?  Treading water?  Have they even seen my eyes today?  Then I hear a prayer, "God thank you for my mommy, it sure is more fun with her around."  God, I don't deserve any of this.

But I'm doing it.

Physical limitations.  Heartache from unanswered prayer, or at least a different answer than I had hoped?  Struggle to find significance in the today while wondering what tomorrow brings.  I look around, I get discouraged.  The pain of loss.  Grieving unfulfilled dreams is just a sad mess.

But I'm doing it.    

Searching curriculum as these babies are flying through what I planned yesterday.  Finding cures for aliments.  Looking for the next size up in clothes.  Meal planning. Trying to get ahead.  Stay afloat for tomorrow.  Teaching them about the least of these and those whose spirits are poor and pocketbooks are empty.  Lord how are we connected to all of this?  Oh how I want to do more and be more and have more- more of this time, love, energy.

But I'm doing it.  I'm praying I'm doing it to His glory.  Sometimes it feels like one foot in front of the other.  It's messy doing kingdom work.  But I'm doing it.  I sure do love these people.  I love them something crazy.  I love the One who gave them to us and I know he loves us madly.  Assurance of his salvation leaving soft landings forevermore.  Wild, freeing love.  Love to do big things.

My pace is set to His heartbeat and His love flows through me.  Lord, You've hemmed me in.  I am Yours.