So it's swim team season. I'm a new swim team mom and I think I'm having just as much fun as my little girls. My oldest is part fish. She loves it. She has the swimming bug. We signed her up for this reason. First day she was dressed head to toe in pink ruffles, a combo of three different suits, perfectly married into one pink bedazzled beauty. Goggles to match. The coach told her, "Ruffles slow you down. You might want to think about a different suit for the meets. One without ruffles. You'll be faster, you know." Well, that sold her, my little queen of speed, and the sleek suit I bought her hasn't come off her body. (Although there might be some sort of advantage to practicing in full on ruffles, because perhaps you'll be faster at the meets? This is when I tell my crossfit super powers/clock watching craziness to back off a bit.)
On the other hand, my youngest, she loves the big girl and boy "baby coaches" but not so much the swimming under water. These high schoolers volunteer their time and teach these littles how to swim. (Yeah, I'm new to finding out that my particular team will take your non swimmers and teach them. Amazing if you ask me.) Well, she loves them so much she will try new things for them. Everything except getting fully immersed in the water. Blowing bubbles, she'll do it. Not doing the underwater crawl. None of that nonsense. Not yet, at least.
She has had a couple of under water experiences in her day that scared her. Yeah I high fived her after it was all over like "they" say to do when accidents happen (to instill confidence and pretend it wasn't that big a deal?) but she looked at me like what are you talking about woman?! I coulda drowned! As if my shaking arms couldn't be still- they totally ratted me out. I was scared and know some experiences have lasting effects sometimes, on mommy and child.
So I kept putting her in swim lessons because we were getting over this together. I call it "Carla's Water Desensitization Program". (CWDP) Sometimes it has involved tears but with a little bribary (no shame) she has come a long way. But, there is no way I can talk her into going underwater. No toy will work for that one. (I probably should add she has a will of steel. A beautiful thing in the long run. Short run- I have to get really creative and keep trying new tricks with her. But in this family two truths remain #1- we only make girls #2- we only make um strong. I guess you could say we specialize in females.)
I've found I can't talk this child into anything. Specifics are what really sells. But more than that, she needs to watch kids having fun going underwater to truly sell her. She watches kids in the line up before her with a smile, all splashing around, bobbing up and down, and she senses she's missing out, that she could be joining in, if she could only get over this obstacle. I am equally proud of both my girls and think they are equally courageous, given what God has given them. We are just working at different places with them.
Fear is huge. We always think it holds us back but in reality it motivates us. Motivates us to act differently, sets us up for failure from the beginning. It tenses our body, gets it out of alignment, stirs up our digestive track, and causes us to behave out of a place of anxiety, disturbance, and sometimes sheer panic.
It shakes our confidence. As adults we find things to hide behind. Like my new cute outfit, or my awesome kids, my church activities (a tee shirt for everything, I tell you), my good deeds I do for other people, my job or my neighborhood. All of these are wonderfully fine things. But these blessings were not made to serve a purpose of a "hiding place" or an identity. (My personal favorite is cowering and not starting a blog because you're afraid of what people might think of you. A "friend" once had this happen to her...)
Another friend (this one is not myself. For real) said she was at an event the other day full of "church attenders". They started talking about a nearby church ( and unknown to them, that she attends). They rattled off about how this church was not up to par for some reason I forgot, that's how silly it was. She spoke up and talked about how wonderful the people were, how they have welcomed her with open arms. (Literally and figuratively, they are hugging people.) **Crickets**
Now people have their opinions, sure. And some people can search Scripture and find legit reasons of why things don't quite match up with what God designed, the way Jesus lived, etc. Fine. But where were those comments coming from? A place of fear of infringement of their "rules" or truly, list it friend, how did this place offend you? (I speak knowing the full context of it all and y'all this church is fine. Jesus lovin fine. Different from "their"church but get over it already! There are more important things to take care of. No time for foolish church bashing. Denomination bashing speaks from a place of superiority. And it's nauseating.)
I've know people that love Jesus and just aren't sure how to handle people who believe differently than they do. I understand. We are drawn to people who are like us, right? I suppose It depends on your upbringing a bit, or a lot. Or who you live near, work with, etc. Perhaps a good look into Scripture would show us that seeing others as made in God's image, common ground issues are the same. (I don't mean like, "And we all smile in the same language. La la la." Or maybe I do and don't want it to sound that way...) It's for real. Real feelings, inadequacies, pain, emptiness, joy, suffering.
If I said I love Jesus truly, then I wouldn't have to bash those around me, but love them and live life with them. That's what He did. And He says perfect love casts out fear. Now, I can tell you this man Jesus is for real, and because He has forever touched my heart with ways I could never deserve and life I can't live any differently than for Him. He has given me hope and a future and I am on a path with Him and thriving with His tender, funny, grace-giving, loving, merciful Self. I don't measure up, He knows it, and that's why He redeems my life and I am seen as spotless and blameless before a Most Holy God. He laid it all on the line so I may be free to love those around me. All my good is His anyway. Everything good comes from Him. I am in Him and for Him and with Him and following Him.
I can't hide behind those things, and oftentimes I fail (and my new maxi dress covers a multitude of sins I should add- totally great purchase), but I'm hidden behind the cross, and He's got it covered. That is His only desire for me. Reckless abandonment, losing myself in Him. Walking on a path designed for sheer enjoyment, pleasure in His grace. There is no room for fear or hate.
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