In between my "don't run in the store!" and "go to the toy room," catching myself from transforming my voice over to "run, she looks like she's gonna blow!" I overheard a fairly pregnant woman (how pregnant- fairly) talking. She was considering pulling her child out of school and wasn't sure how she got to the store, or to this point, but there she was. She looked a little bit lost.
Now, being that I am Carla, and I usually wear my heart and words on my sleeve, I just felt so much. I felt so very much and remember freshly what she feels like. So, clearly, I needed to join because my feeling was gushing outside of my body. (Now, I need to say something to the introvert readers. I will never understand you. I may love you and squeeze you so hard you cry, but I will never understand you. I don't understand your ability to hold your tongue. I don't understand why you don't like attention- especially when attention is called-for, and I don't understand your lack of showing emotion. I will continue to love and squeeze the ones who remain by my side and put up with me, but I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND YOU. I will continue to make you open up though because the world needs to hear you. At this point say a little prayer for my dear husband who gets to live with me. Ok then, carrying on...)
Her sweet second grade son was being bullied. He was making himself throw up to keep from going to school. (If adults did to other adults what other kids were doing to him? Yeah, that's called assault and, well, you get arrested. The school did "the best they could" or so they said...) So I didn't say this to her, but I saw it in her eyes. I have felt that uncertainty. I have felt that nudge to break from the norm despite being glued to generations of "the way it is done". My situation was different, but I remember reaching that decision. (She didn't even own a denim jumper either. I checked…)
For whatever reason, we end up in this place of breaking. Most of it is breaking on the inside, but it hurts nonetheless.
I looked at her blank in the eyes and told her she was his one and only mother. She can change her mind about his education method. (Read, she can change her mind.) She was not going to ruin him or desocialize him or break him. She can change her mind back the next year. But maybe he needed some coaching? Some tools? A new surrounding? Maybe she needed to claim her status as Mama Hen and do the the thinkable to most- withdraw her child. I didn't lead her either way, she needed empowering. I just said,
"You can be fearless."
I saw her taste my words. I saw her lean in and her eyes got teary and she was feeling them. She was getting a taste of freedom. Freedom from her heart breaking daily for her son. Freedom from what the grandparents had to say or the lady in line at the grocery store asking, "Why aren't your children in school?" or the person down the street checking off to make sure you have your curriculum covered (Music? Check- as if you needed their approval.) Or the person that says "Wow, I mean your kids are really well-adjusted to be home schooled." (It doesn't matter if they haven't said it yet, they will. It happens to most of us.) She knew no one would agree (and she didn't even make her own laundry soap...)
I looked at her blank in the eyes and told her she was his one and only mother. She can change her mind about his education method. (Read, she can change her mind.) She was not going to ruin him or desocialize him or break him. She can change her mind back the next year. But maybe he needed some coaching? Some tools? A new surrounding? Maybe she needed to claim her status as Mama Hen and do the the thinkable to most- withdraw her child. I didn't lead her either way, she needed empowering. I just said,
"You can be fearless."
I saw her taste my words. I saw her lean in and her eyes got teary and she was feeling them. She was getting a taste of freedom. Freedom from her heart breaking daily for her son. Freedom from what the grandparents had to say or the lady in line at the grocery store asking, "Why aren't your children in school?" or the person down the street checking off to make sure you have your curriculum covered (Music? Check- as if you needed their approval.) Or the person that says "Wow, I mean your kids are really well-adjusted to be home schooled." (It doesn't matter if they haven't said it yet, they will. It happens to most of us.) She knew no one would agree (and she didn't even make her own laundry soap...)
If you are doing the right thing, you will feel resistance.
If you are in these difficult situations, breaking from the norm, with naysayers surrounding your court, it looks daunting. It seems overwhelming. You feel the burden of the way things should be. You know the task at hand is an important one.
You also know you need to go forward. You sense the break, the fire starting to blaze a new trail with a new frame of mind with a new Center. You can sense the freedom on the other side. You know it is possible.
As it is with Jesus. The more I let go, seek Him, and know His Person, I feel the fear leaving and the peace freedom taking over.
If you are in these difficult situations, breaking from the norm, with naysayers surrounding your court, it looks daunting. It seems overwhelming. You feel the burden of the way things should be. You know the task at hand is an important one.
You also know you need to go forward. You sense the break, the fire starting to blaze a new trail with a new frame of mind with a new Center. You can sense the freedom on the other side. You know it is possible.
As it is with Jesus. The more I let go, seek Him, and know His Person, I feel the fear leaving and the peace freedom taking over.
Most people's day to day doesn't reflect their fearlessness. Your fearless might be silent. It might be loud and obvious. The hurtful cracks in your heart always let the light shine in and lead to a place of joy.
Fearless is not a destination, but a reframing of the mind. God's work. Kingdom work. A constant state of prayer before God.
Lord, make me fearless.
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