Needed

Recently I am reflecting on subconscious thoughts- trying to bring negativity to the conscious.  (I have no degree in psychology but enough to know that sentence made me sound like it.  Insightful, right?)

You see I have this pattern of life with many responsible roles.  I homeschool- that's my biggie there- and I'm married to probably the most emotionally stable person I've ever met (shout out to you, my love) but there is a goal to know him more and make him share his heart.  (He loves that.  Ha!) But I feel like I need to be more.  Surely I can find a better way to get all this done…to get it done better.  (and faster- it's no good if it's just better)

So this Christmas I thought about my least favorite chore- hair brushing.  So, I gave myself the holiday off with hair brushing.  I told myself I would only be responsible for my own hair brushing.  The girls may brush their own hair, but I will not ask them to or do it for them.  (Here is the hairy details with that statement- we are year-round swimmers.  Even though most children can and should brush their hair, mine need serious help.)  The tangled mess needs the detangler and soft, gentle combing through two episodes of Doc McStuffins or one long Disney movie.

I knew what I was up against this season- Christmas Eve craziness, Christmas Day unwrapping and running around with friends, the day after that rolling in the yard with new toys, riding bikes,  dog petting and loving, sleepovers, spontaneous gymnastics in the living room, dress up experiences- we've run the gamut of fun Christmas cheer.  It has taken it's toll on their hair.

Sticking to my plan, I haven't brushed the little one's hair yet.  She is clean but I had no intentions of brushing her hair.  So when we went outside to play and my neighbor asked if I had brushed, I said with arms crossed, "Nope.  Not until New Years," as I watched her tangled voluminous spots extending several inches off her head bounce down the street, my delightful little child who could care less what her hair looks like.    

I am sticking to this too.  I realized today how much I can get done if I ignore my children.  All day long I would answer questions and I did take breaks to feed them, but I let them figure everything else out.  My husband came home to a gleaming house. I mean, even the floorboards were clean.  With a surprised look on his face I told him, "See, honey, look what I can do if they went to school!"  My motivation today was that our homeschool will start next week, and back to the grind- teaching them or riding in my minivan taking them to and fro.  Thankful I don't have hemorrhoids from all that sitting...

This is the reality- my family needs me just as I am.  They don't need a mom making excuses, playing up her weaknesses, or shying away from heart issues.  They need me angry, they need me sad, they need me saying I'm sorry and they need me letting go.  They need me crazy, they need my amazing dance moves.  They need relaxing moments where we stay in jammies, and they need me to show them how to dress the part of royalty being daughters of the Most High God.  They need me brave enough to work on my weaknesses and rely heavily on God.

I am making a rule to take myself seriously- my dreams, my needs, my heart.  I'm trying to sniff my way around to figure out what a healthy heart barometer feels like with all the responsibility- keeping up with the changes and my needs.

I'm giving myself more days off- not the spa type, though that would be nice, but the kind of time outs where I can reflect on my journey, my family, God's goodness.  I don't need to do more or be more.  I am just enough and I am right where I need to be right now.

I am letting go even more of trying to be liked.  I'd like to think people that know me well know my love for them.  (Considering my goal is to have all kinds of people at my funeral, I'm hoping to touch all kinds of people and to make some progress here…) My path will be led to people who I need to meet, need to love and be loved back.  It's already in His plan.

I'm saying "I love you" more.  I'm telling my girlfriends when their jeans make their fanny look nice and what makes them amazing. I want my thoughts and love for people around me make vocal, even if that makes me look like a freak.   (I have this thing for pinching hineys but I promise I won't go that far…unless someone bends over and man, that's funny stuff right there!)

I can never be enough but I'm in regular conversation with the One who makes me enough. I am loving and laughing and just being me.  Knocking on God's door for more love, more grace, more intimacy, more freedom in Him.  Imperfect perfection.  Weakness made strong in light of God.  A realness that only God's grace can provide.