It's Like You're My Mirror...

This, this is how I show my love for my husband.  He gets serenaded with Justin Timberlake, of whom he knows none of his songs.  He loves it.  Let me retype.  He loves my loud, soulful singing to him on a drop of a hat...

Mirrors by Justin Timberlake
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

My husband is my mirror but ironically he is not a thing like me personality-wise.  I'd like to say we are like that old couple that just mellows with each other with time.  Perhaps I've mellowed down a bit and he's become more of a people person.  But in reality, we are both ourselves- I get a little too hyper sometimes and he is too calm other times.   (I should note he might be more like a hopeful Ron Swanson in some aspects as he ages.  That's fine with me.  I love steak.)

It's like he's my mirror staring back at me, reflecting not just myself and allowing me to grow as a person, but showing me my sin.  Showing me when God is glorified.  The mirror is slanted upwards to heaven.  It reflects God's grace.  His goodness.  His love that binds us.  His gentle correction in my life.  We will never be completely like each other.  We weren't made for assimilation, but for glorification.  

If we just looked at each other's reflection, I'm convinced our love would shrivel.  I don't have eternal love to offer in a marriage.  I love the ways we work on our relationship but there's not enough wining and dining in the world to stop fights and fix things in our marriage.  I love date nights and getting away but you always come home to the same problems.  The triangular fashion God works on us is mysterious, profound, and inexplicable.  The love relationship with a God that connects us.  

I admire so many things about him and could list them.  Maybe I should, but the one thing that I appreciate most is the Holy Spirit's work in him at reflecting towards, pointing to, mirroring God in my life.  The focus is less on a good marriage and more on a forgiven marriage.  In Christ, we are more forgiven than ever imagined. 

So maybe we are two reflections made into one.  Made into One.  The One that holds us together.  

He is before all things and in Him all things are held together.  Colossians 1:17

The Epicenter

I've been on a blog famine the last week or so.  I actually posted one last night, through my tears reconsidered, and deleted it.  Mostly because I love telling stories, but I was writing a story that wasn't mine to tell.  It went too deep for me and someone else.  I hit delete.  I liked the entry as a personal journal and by accident I deleted it off my journal too but it moved me to a place I needed to be.  I'm thankful for my Great Counselor who writes periods of healing in my story.

Second reason- my girls have been going to bed entirely too late.  Just today I was told, "I don't like it when you work, mommy."  I am working on a writing class online and well, I am not as available to them in certain times of the day.  So Barbie sing-a-long is on the DVD unashamedly and I am blogging.  Girls, go to bed earlier like I ask or watch me work.  Said with love and a smile.  That's your choice:) Tonight they are getting rewarded for staying in bed.  Changing up my method for this madness.

Here's a true story of a friend's cousin's uncle's son.  Sit back and relax.

Once upon a time there was a boy whose parents took him to church every week.  He liked the church fine and enjoyed learning.  He knew God personally.  But when he got to be a teenager, it seems this particular church was more geared towards the kids that easily earned a gold star.  Maybe they were the cheerleaders, football stars, popular crowd.  Well, this boy was incredibly gifted, but not so much in the crowds of with those particular skills.  He came every now and then, but usually had an arrow or two thrown his way, so he stopped coming.  Church hurt, it didn't help.  He stayed away from church for a long long time.  Filled with cliques.  One which he was not a part of.

In this church appearances mattered.  What you looked like on the outside was key.  It was an environment where fear of man prevailed, and those on the inside were just as scared as those on the outside.  Crazy scared they would do something to fall out of good graces with the popular crowd.  That boy grew into a man and now he gets it and his faith is more authentic because of his experiences.  But back then the whole situation seemed so daunting.  So hurtful.

I felt this same way just last week.  As an adult, in a wonderful group of women, most of who I don't know personally, but I got a back turned on me.  I was talking to another lady, when I suppose she was done with our conversation, turned her back towards me, and started talking in a lower voice to her other security blanket friend.  Security blanket friend also was not interested in talking to me later.  Awesome.

Now, I could have smelled bad but most likely these are grown up teenagers similar to the above story. I readily admit I get off socially every now and then.  Sure.  I have lots of words coming from my mouth sometimes and God is still working on me.  Also, watching your children play is a full on sport at times.  Unfinished conversations prevail and you end up with half a recipe or without the end of a great story.  Moms give grace with social things.  I think it was maybe this lady's hair flip in my direction when I saw her the next day without a smile or hello.  And then another time that week.

But guess what...no one has it together.  Now maybe the above ladies believe they are truly living their authentic selves.  All polished up putting on a show.  That's fine.  But God knows differently.

And I suppose that last week was filled with different ups and downs for me, and I am just coming to terms with some it of.  Still processing through the rest of it.  With all that said I ended the week with a message from church this morning...

Jesus is my Epicenter.  

And while I used to people please everyone, Jesus has taught me differently.  I just don't Jesus care anymore.  It wasn't a magical process getting here, it was letting go to freely live.  Not looking around in comparison, but freely being me.  And sure, there are still people who just don't get me.  There are also times I fail in this whole department.  (Um, I fail in all departments...) But the Only One who gets me is the Only One that matters.

This morning we sang
I know Who stands before me
I know Who stands behind.  
The God of angel armies 
is always by my side.  

Wherever I go, He is there.  He has gone before me, He is standing guard behind me guarding me against condemnation.  His armor catches those flying arrows.  He is already there in my future.  He sees the day I get to actually see Him face to face.  What a glorious day.

Things Aren't Always What They Seem

The other day we were leaving swim lessons, and a woman was pulling out of the circle in front of the facility in a large SUV.  We were walking (well two of us were twirling) to the car, and two older folks were sitting watching us.  This SUV lady turns the wheel slowly, we all watch, ooh she's getting close, and bam!  She hits the pole.  These two peanut gallery people just say, "No she didn't!"  And when she attempted to pull out again, those folks said, "Uh uh she's gonna do it again!"  She scraped the front of her car and drove away.  I felt terribly uncomfortable for her because I figured she had a really bad day and well, that was some pretty difficult maneuvering.

The next practice I saw her again.  She was very professional looking and I smiled at her and she smiled back.  I looked down and noticed she was missing a hand. Things aren't always what they seem.

Today as I was showering the girls off, telling them what hard workers they were at swim lessons, how I was proud of them and how they will feel good about their hard swim work as they grow and develop, yadda yadda yadda.  I was mustering up enough patience at the littlest's request of "Water in my eyes!!!  "Get me the towel!"  "Mommy you're hurting me!" "Stop brushing my hair!" I was getting my nice running shoes all wet adjusting the temperature for this one just right.  Wiping sweat drips from sitting in the free sauna-called-swim-lessons-wear-your-sports-bra-and-pretend-it's-a-workout.  I dry off the littlest and whew, almost there...home dinner bedtime is my mantra these nights...

Then one of the older ladies in the shower beside us, all spry from her workout, and cute little towel covered figure comes out of the shower and says, "And good job mama!"  (She might have clicked her heels on her way to talk to her naked woman tribe but I'm not sure.)

Then I stopped.  Things aren't always what they seem with me either.

I think I do these things for the family, get things planned (it doesn't count that I forget lots of times), wear so many hats that it just seems I look tacky...maybe taking one or more hats off would look nicer?  Isn't simplistic in style now?  You know, the simple outfit, downgraded, yet vintage accessories, maybe some fall boots.  Understated fashion.  Yeah.  Maybe I can take off one of these hats.  Not too "cool" for me to wear, or even be at the moment.

Then I realize my job isn't tacky, it's tactical.  And, well, I've never been cool.  The basis of my role is simplistic- love the Lord and love my family.  The game is played carefully looking at Jesus and intricately aware of what the next step is and sometimes tricky to get it all balanced and sometimes it just all hits the fan and turns into a beautiful mess.

Sometimes I feel like maybe there are parts of me not made for this job.  Sometimes I fail miserably, and end of saying lots of "I'm sorrys" and "Please forgive me's".  Then I realize that's part of the journey, too, and none of us are made to "mother" perfectly.  These girls see this mama fail.  These girls see this mama get up and learn from it.  And I hope they see me relying on God who is making me stronger.  I hope they hear me talk my struggles, weaknesses, and failures out in a Christ-centered fashion, not self-condemning, but calling it out and claiming God's goodness over it all.  We have a Redeemer.  I am not made to redeem myself, but to made to crave.  Enjoy.  Just be in God's midst in relationship.  

Things don't always seem perfectly beautiful.  But perfect Love holds us together.  And with the girls tucked in bed right now, looking back on my day that's all that matters.

Otherwise

Otherwise
by Carla

I got of out bed on two strong legs.

It might have been otherwise. 

I ate my morning eggs, bacon, and homemade pumpkin latte, a little cold because sometimes it gets messy helping everyone.

It might have been otherwise.

I spent the morning with two little girls, offering my addition of wonder to their detailed discoveries, getting less done than I had hoped, held in a tension between productivity and stopping time.  

All morning I was behind a day.  It was messy.  I was fulfilled.  I was loving my children. I was creating memories I hoped I would remember.  Memories I hoped they would remember.  

At noon I sat down to eat lunch with my girls, looked in their eyes, and wondered when the last time was I had just gazed.  I told myself I needed to gaze more.  

It might have been otherwise.

We ate dinner straight from the crock pot, trying to take turns talking with so much excitement- mostly small things- but nonetheless important when you are small.  I was thankful for the family I had to feed.  I was thankful for the work it takes to manage this house, their education, our lives.  

It might have been otherwise.

I slept in a bed next to a man I love more than anything and planned another day just like this day.

But one day, I know it will be otherwise.

Just Another Bump In the Road

I guess we travel this path and we hope and believe.  We go to church and we attend Bible studies that remind us that God is in everything.  He is the Author.  But sometimes you doubt that.  We know He is good, but not always safe.  And this idea of having dreams you don’t know will be fulfilled or not is sort of a precarious thing in itself.  So maybe you hold those dreams loosely trying to imagine that they’re not really that important, or white-fisted tight, and wait for the proverbial shoe to drop.   Either way this is a tough spot to be in. 

Maybe you’ve prayed a dozen times for God to take away your desire for something.  Maybe that thing isn’t ‘bad’ in itself, but maybe it will never happen.  Or let’s be hopeful here, maybe it’s just not the right timing.  And you hope that is the case.  Because you really, really want this thing to happen.  And so you start to ponder and ‘think like God’…

Lord, I don’t have a spouse because I’m not ready.  Or he’s not ready.  Or we’re not ready.  (As if marriage is some sort of mark on a person's readiness- we all marry the 'wrong person' because we are hopelessly flawed...)

Or, Lord, let me just change my attitude about my job.  Maybe it isn’t really all that bad.  Perhaps it’s just me.  Or maybe my attitude is holding me back from that great job.  Maybe with a little attitude change God will allow that new one to come along. 

Lord, my loved one is in heaven because maybe you needed another angel, or their presence, with you and to fulfill your heaven duties.  There were absolutely amazing after all.

Lord, maybe this thing isn't happening because of my diet.  Or some unconfessed sin I have that is holding me back.  Perhaps it’s both.  Let me be super ‘spiritual’ and see what happens.  Surely I’m not pleasing you in so many ways.  I fall so short.  Let me put on my super mom powers, although I’m not sure what that looks like, and do this thing. 

Let me prove to you how great of a mom I can be.  So that when you are up in heaven looking down at me, You'll say, that one, Carla, she’s deserving.  Did you see how she made that awesome pumpkin bread?  And, she pulled off her daughter’s birthday so well.  She’s feeding her kids unrefined flours, no sugars added, etc.  She lets them slip enough, because well, she knows they need to be kids sometimes.  Good job, daughter of mine.  Way to perform.  Way to go.  It’s just a matter of time for that one.  Let me keep her in this place of holding so that she can just see me more.  Realize who I really am…she takes me for granted most of the time anyway.  

All of this could be very possible.  If God thought like we thought.  But he doesn’t.  And the only way to know his thoughts is to stay in the Word.  Staying close to him.  Letting him talk to you.  Letting him talk through you.  Processing, as difficult as that can be at times, and letting him heal you. 

I can type all of the above, bolded, like a rock star.  I can know what to do in times of trouble.  But that doesn’t matter if I’m not doing it. 

In my life seasons, my spiritual tank has different “miles per gallon”, so to speak.  There are times when I feel very filled with the Spirit.  I have more energy.  I am accomplishing more and more successful and things are just falling into place.  Then there are those seasons where I just feel empty.  Weak.  Walking through molasses.  Change is slow and time seems to go even slower. 

It may seem like I need ‘more Jesus’ in the latter situation, because of my weakness, but I honestly need Him all the time. 

He puts us in these places to depend on Him.  The good and the bad, the energetic ‘good mom’ days where I’m prone to self-righteous rants and the terrible ‘what am I doing’ days where I’m prone to pity myself and eat a whole bag of chips.  Problematic, tragic, things sometimes happen when we think we have pleased him, and then there are situations where he bestows grace on us in times of rottenness. 

And while I do believe he honors our obedience and love in his timing, this side of heaven or later, there is no cleaning up my act to have things go a certain way for me.  I do not plan my destiny.  In fact, since the fall of man, there is only One Man that completely did things perfectly.  He died on our behalf.  He took the penalty for sin and imperfection.  He makes me righteous before God.  He paid my debt and I am free.  I don’t have to perform. 

My response to His gift is this: 

Receiving Jesus- Daily, hourly, by the minute.  Open myself up to His leading, His working. 

Praying for my desire for Him- I’ve found praying for him to change situations is definitely heard in heaven.  He loves our conversations.  He may or may not change my problems.  He always hears my cries for more of Him.  He always answers my futile attempts at getting close to Him- by wrapping me up in Him.  I sense this very childlike…I inch a little closer to him, and bam, he grabs me like a big bear hug and wait, it’s too late, I’ve prayed it and even though I’m not sure where it will take me we’re here.  He’s holding tight.  I’m hoping for more of Him.  He’s strong, He’s good, and we’re doing this thing, even when I rebel. And sometimes I try and kick and tug away from Him but His love wraps me up.  I realize His goodness, and the peace ensues.  Slowly, sometimes painfully, I've learned to stop fighting.  Because He is good and in Him is fullness of joy.    

I realize I stand before an audience of One.  I’m out of tricks.  Or at least the ones that I think will get me somewhere in heaven.  He sees me like I see my little girls- He is pleased with me loving Him, confessing sin, and most importantly, enjoying Him.  He sees me through the lens of Jesus.  The man He sent just for this purpose. 

He has my days planned.  He knows the struggle, the tough times.  He planned pit stops along the way to refuel.  There are sad, desperate times in my future.  I cannot deny or live my life otherwise.  My hope is I’m desperate for Him in those desperate times.  I foresee times of rejoicing, too.  He has His party hat on and one sitting next to Him, ready for me, just beyond the horizon. 

This is a ride.  It’s not safe.  But it’s good.  My soul is secure and that’s what I’ll take to heaven. 

The Bible Study

Are you in a Bible study?  Ok, maybe your church calls it a "small group", "life group", "community group".  If you aren't familiar with this Christian gathering, it's a really interesting place.  Really the only place you can ask for prayers for your uncle's wife's cousin's right toe.  And no one laughs but rather everyone looks serious and concerned or tries to put on a really empathetic face.  Like, "Wow, sure thing, Sue.  We'll remember your...what's her name?"  Extra credit for the people who write that prayer request down.  Truly remarkable.

So we've been in a few in our years of marriage.  Some in college, too.  (And one friend was in my college Bible study and now my adult grown up one!)  Fun people, fun times.  I don't know, we were just getting ready to head to ours so I thought I would just write a blog, a documentary if you must, about our Bible study/small group/life group/community group history.  If you make it in this documentary, and are unhappy with your description, please let me know.  I will try to put my best foot forward but we have met some real characters in our past through these groups and y'all, it's real life characters that make great stories.  And I love you all.  Continuing...

Our first study was held at a bachelor pad house.  We were the only married couple.  It was a nice gathering- potluck meals were literally transferred from pots on the stove to car to table.  Fancy stuff here.  The group was great.  I remember answering questions about marriage and think it's even funnier now, because I still am not a marriage "guru" and had no clue what the hello kitty I was doing back then.  Good times.  It was our last study with one of Austin's best friends, also in our wedding, who sadly past right after our oldest was born.  Austin was able to see him in the hospital right before his passing.  We brought our baby to his funeral.  He was so full of life.  I can look back at his fun personality and grin.  He was super excited for us.  Precious one.

The next study was a bit more "refined" if you will.  I liked this one as we were in it with a couple of our dear friends from college and how spoiled we were to see them every week.  I guess as you get older you just appreciate time spent with people more.  Things happen, people move, and in the younger years I just took much more for granted.  I probably do now too and don't realize it, and years from now I will be saying the same thing.  This house had a cat.  I would sneeze all week until about two days before the next study, then sneeze all through study until the next week.  It was a sinus nightmare snot cycle.

So our study moved to another location, same people.  These folks also had cats.  They lived way across town, funny that same part of town we attend study now.  They were great and exciting.  They had a baby and I learned a lot about baby things- childbirth, nursing, pumping, boobs.  Basically I got schooled on boobs.  And post-childbirth body situations.

So our study again morphed.  People moved away, people were added. We met at the church with a sitter.  Then we hosted a Christmas party at our house.  It was fondue.  Fondue is cute and all hipster if you eat it out.  It's a nightmare if you make it homemade.  Almost burned the house down.  Went through several bottles of wine.  All in the name of Jesus.

We left this group as we were considering going with a church plant that was happening.  We went back and forth on if we'd actually do it- and were without a study for a while.  Then we hopped on the church plant bus.  Then we got hooked up with a study led by a man in seminary grounded in truth and who preached it every week.

This study was a culinary adventure.  We met every single week.  We all took turns making snack, which is a usual in studies.  Maybe I should rephrase that.  We had the "best of..." every week.  "Snack" for this group would have been an offensive word. Seriously everyone brought their best every week.  This study I learned how to make "trailer park truffles" and pull off a surprise themed meal, ate homemade Chinese, brought meals for friends having babies, learned how to throw things together with what you had on hand.

So we met through the summer.  I think it was because everyone in this study loved food.  And we really enjoyed being together.  Christmas parties were really classy.  Great food.  I have never felt so challenged in a culinary way.  It was beautiful.  If someone was visiting we would joke that the snack person that week needed to make the snacks extra special, so we're known as the "good food group" and maybe they'll stay.  And I should give a shout out to my friend from this group who just received a nomination as a finalist for The Pillsbury Bake Off contest.  (She might have introduced the world to chocolate covered bacon and Cheetos.  Both were tasty.  Incredibly talented lady who had pink hair when I first met her which I loved.)  We were just a group of ladies who loved to cook, bake, and feed people.  The husbands liked to eat.  (We sound like 50's housewives...) I suppose this group was more Baptist than Presbyterian in that sense.  Anyway, we loved this group- theology and food.  And people.  We miss y'all something terrible.

And so that brings us to a place where we switched churches.  Well, little did my husband know that I had been praying for us to go a little more informal.  Loved the people at our precious church, but I was in a spot where I needed to let loose with Jesus.  I pray my words don't offend, like I said, precious, formal setting.  Reverent.  I let loose a little more than my husband.  (And after 10 years, he really does have dancing hips!  I've seen them in action on the dance floor and *might* have some witnesses at this occasion.)  So we're at a Baptist church now.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow.  Home sweet home.  Hands in the air.  Wave them like you just don't care...

We sought out a study with other homeschool families.  We love them so much.  People in this group are seriously gifted at reproducing.  They do it well.  Beautiful children.  One family is also adopting and to see the hand of God in their story is just incredible.  We meet weekly.  I've probably gone the deepest with this group of women.  I've ugly cried.  They've been there to call on.  We've all shared things that we'd never tell, a sacred trust.  It's a whole lot of silly but when things get serious, this is a pack of women you can count on.  You might say everyone is well-behaved because the leader is a minister at the church.  But they're really great people, even when the minister isn't there.

It's a group I don't have to "clean up" for.  Where I haven't showered from my morning workout and I'm not sure I've brushed my kid's hair.  In a couple of days.  Or wiped her mouth after dinner...wait I haven't fed her dinner yet.  With hand-picked, mismatched and too small clothes but she's happy to be going.  And I'm happy.  Everyone is happy, happy.  To a group unashamedly clinging on to Jesus.  They know their weakness.  And His power.  And so we meet.

Who knows what the future holds in the way of Bible studies.  But so far it's been a fun ride.  We are incredibly thankful all the characters through the years have been written into our story, studying the best book ever, by the Author who is the Ultimate Glue.  We love you all.

Homeschool Tears

We were doing math today and my oldest was having a hard time focusing.  There are so many great things to talk about with mom when we sit down for math!  So I told her I'd love to chat.  But we need to work first, and asked her to go to the table in the other room to focus.  She did, and came back with tears in her eyes.  She said, "Mommy, the nice thing about homeschooling is that we get to be together.  Can I please work with you in here?"  So she and I were together again doing math.  This time I politely turned my back so I wouldn't be a distraction.  She got her work done like a rock star.

We do have a lot of togetherness.  I love it.  I think there are definite benefits to homeschooling academically, but I love the time I get with my kiddos.  I am spending time with them I will never ever get back.  I am having conversations, making memories, and loving sacrificially all day long like I will never get to again in my life for them.   For me, this is all worth it.  

When people ask where my children go to school, and I tell them we homeschool, I get a few prescriptive responses:

"Oh I could never do that."  (Yes you can, if it's God's plan.)
"Wow, you are amazing." (God placed me here.  God enabled me to homeschool.  It's him.)
Or like the lady yesterday, she just looked at me like I was an alien.  (However, I freely admit my freak flag flies high sometimes...)

Funny thing is that is what I used to say to people before we started.  And when we first started I was hesitant to tell some people our choice in schooling.  I found myself explaining to people why we chose this route.  Then I realized I was not explaining, but defending.  Sometimes it even seemed like I was apologizing.  My heart doesn't need to be on the defensive about anything I do.  So heart changing has been a part of this whole journey.  Confidence is born through true honest to goodness change.  I tell my story for story's sake but the receiver is clearly left to judge if they want.

I often see a huge look of guilt on moms and dads faces after I tell them we homeschool.  Like maybe they wish they could homeschool but just can't, or don't choose to, or whatever.  One person (not a neighbor) who has been disrespectful (to put it nicely) about our choice recently jeered about our school "hours" seeing my kids out playing and having a good time during the day.  I told her we had started 8 weeks ago and will finish our curriculum in March, when I will just begin a seamless transition to the next grade level up.  She gave me several reasons why she couldn't homeschool her grandchild for her to "get ahead".  She was reluctant that this was not an option for her.  I can read between the lines.  I had a breakthrough with this woman and hoping she doesn't "need" to open her mouth again unless it's something nice to say.  (Maybe she needs to audit my manners class??)

A common theme anytime I have a conversation with people is that I'm always learning.  God even uses the negative things to process decisions, affirm, or redirect me.  It's like my decision making is God filtered, and God processed, and my history with him is that he can and will use anything or anyone.

This happened recently as I sat beside a friend he other day.  He is an educator and knows it is a full time job.  It's a sacrifice.  He looked me square in the eyes and said, "I would have to quit all else to focus on teaching."  Because he knows the commitment to teaching young people.  He gets it.  

And he hit the nail on the head for me.  Last year I was so down on myself that I couldn't do all that I was able to before we started homeschooling.  I said yes to just about every opportunity that came my way.  I didn't want "socially backward" kids, you know;)  I was homeschooling in fear and I was exhausted.  It is a weighty job.  I recognize that.

This year I still felt the weight.  However I pulled back.  I have said "no".  We aren't in as many clubs, groups, organizations.  We still struggle to find time to stay home with so many opportunities, but we're doing it.  The difference is I'm saving space for living.  I'm saving space for grace.  I'm saving my sanity and hopefully saving grey hairs.

I say "no" to plenty.  I recorded in a 12 hour time frame saying "no" to three things that I would have said "yes" to if I wasn't homeschooling.  Things I typically would find fun. (Then I reevaluated and said "yes" to one of them, because it fit my filter of practically and was something I wanted to do.)  My time is more precious now.  I have a very full plate and wouldn't want it any differently.

I can honestly say I am not wasting my time, talents or gifts.  If anything homeschool has enhanced me as a wife and mama.  God has used these little girls to refine me and point me to the One who sacrificed it all.  It's not an easy job, but the pay is priceless- memories and love I'll spend well into my retirement.