Broken, Not Damaged

It's a rainy day and the girls upstairs are with their friends, sounding like they are about to fall straight through the floor in their imaginative adventure story, pant legs still wet from jumping in puddles outside nearly an hour ago.  Why?  They said they just had to.

I love the independence of their ages, and the willingness to be silly at the drop of a hat.  I love the freedom they feel to dress in multicolored outfits, skort on top of pants, with ballet skirt on top of it all.  Throw a tank top over that shirt (for more color please) and let's go shopping.  All shades of pink and purple match, in case you needed schooling.  (Keep that priceless bit of fashion advice in mind, will you.)

I loved Christmas shopping this year.  I started way earlier than usual, and just got so much joy buying things this Christmas.  Perhaps it's more righteous to say we don't celebrate Santa (in fact all magical creatures are welcome here and we will lie as long as we are able thank you very much) or that my girls only got two or three presents.  Furthest from the truth- we gave thoughtful gifts they truly loved and appreciated, some from the big guy himself.  We try our darn best to put Jesus first, but I counted more than three.  (Three comes to mind from that Pin on Pinterest that lots of folks thought was a good idea- perhaps it is- maybe next year but probably not.)

One of those gifts was super special.  I didn't realize how special it was until I walked around Target with this gift- an RV trailer that attaches to a Jeep, for American Girl dolls.  It came complete with ribbon tied curtains and cutlery sets, canisters for food storage and a bench that converts to a bed with accessorized throw pillows.  I giggled with delight when I rounded the aisle and saw there was one left.    God placed it there just for me, I know he did.

I drove all around Target with that in my cart.  As women passed, they checked my cart out.  One woman took a long look and walked away without saying anything, but several women just couldn't help commenting.  We all agreed that it was an amazing gift, one that we would have wanted as little girls.  One mom said she wished she had girls, and I understood.  They really are awesome.

I love having girls so much because I am learning increasing amounts about myself.  I realized just this Christmas, more than ever, that as women we are all little girls.  Now we might try to act mature and controlled (perhaps this is a good thing emotionally so we don't wave our freak flags in particular places), or maybe in some circles I've been in we try to act like we have it all together.

But there's this thing inside of us, wanting to wear the tutu, wanting to dance in the rain, and wanting to just let go and be.

I've read those blogs and books about giving girls strong role models, the princess fascination is creating little minds thinking the world revolves around them.  I get that and love the heart behind it.

This runs deeper than outside appearance, or relationship to others, it runs straight to our existence.  

I'm talking about little girl discoveries, adventures, imaginations, fingerpainting with colors not meant to be put together, forgetting that the world is watching, and that tutu- well daddy thinks I look beautiful because he told me so.  I'm beautiful.  I'm worthy.  Because he loves me.  

I was talking to a dear friend recently, how we get arrows thrown at us as the years pass.  We grow up with wounds that sometimes don't truly heal when we get to be adults.  Sometimes when we get to be to "the age" that we should have it all together, things don't seem all together.  In fact, putting things together seems further from reality than once thought.

So these wounds get hidden, and maybe sometimes we feel like damaged goods, like maybe like a dinged can at the grocery store.  Put your best foot forward.  Hide those flaws.  Best side toward the world, and remember double chin awareness, just like Oprah said.  If you have kids, the tendency to be strong for them and hide these "issues", well, that just seems best.

I've found the truth comes to the light, and this truth, this God truth, is gracious, kind, loving, and doesn't condemn.  Instead he gently guides, gently speaks, and practices tough love.  In fact, I've found he doesn't tolerate bad self talk.  (I might be speaking from experience.)

My ill-matched attempts at trying to put myself together are met with loving words and I hear the words, "You are beautiful" all over the place- like just today in the words of my daughter, "you are precious, mommy" because those girls are gifts.  They are open hand gifts designed to bless not to burden.

So if you need me, I will be upstairs, in the all pink-clad room, sitting on the floor, making a gourmet lunch before we go to exotic locations, like Myrtle Beach, in the RV.  (Hey, I never said we were world travelers…)

Letting it all go, enjoying God and his blessings, alongside my girls, like my Creator wants me to.  Not damaged.  Just my ego a little bit more broken, heart open, ready to be put together by the One who knows me best.