Rocking the Baby

My oldest tonight was exhausted and not feeling well at all.  I tucked her seven year old body in bed.  Brushed the hair away from her face.  I prayed over her.  And she asked if I could rock her.

Most parents might laugh, make a joke.  I had a pain that went straight through my heart.

When she was two, and little sister was about to be born, we moved her to a big girl bed.  We had a big girl bed pizza party to get excited.  We also moved the rocking chair out.  That same night she asked the same question, "Mommy, can you rock me?"  My response with my whale of a belly, "Sweetie, we moved the rocking chair out for little sister."  And she cried.  And I cried.  I rocked her in the bed moving side to side trying not to wet her bed.  (I was a very large pregnant woman with a gigantic baby on my bladder.  That is all.)  And she grew up that night.

And it hurts me when my children grow up.  Five years later, I ask why didn't we just buy another rocker?  Why didn't we just buy another crib?   At the time it seemed right.  So that's what we did.

And I know how she feels about needing consoling at an older age.  I understand how maybe just a slow rock in a chair might make things better.  I get it.

And I'm thankful for a God that slows me down.  Allows me to need him so desperately that I have no way to blaze through the tough things that need doing- either in my heart or with my family.

And I like that I'm changing.  I like that he says I don't have to figure the big things out right now.  I am not alone.  He is hovering over me as I bring my concerns, hopes, questions and dreams to him.  Lord, what do you have planned?  I just don't know.  So I'm sitting and rocking a while.  And I'm being patient with myself that I don't have the answers just yet.  Because this time is designed for rocking, and enjoying God's blessings, eyes in the sky expectantly.  What in the world are you up to next, God?

And I think it's better that way.  Living in the moment, taking it all in, relaxing in a loving Father's presence, relieved I don't have to have it all together, figure out my own path.

It's a path laid before me.  And sometimes there are stops along the way to rock a while.